Tammy's Tidbits
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Mourning
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Mourning
Not particularly a topic any of us want to discuss, but one we all inevitably will have to deal with, so let’s talk about it.
Or, perhaps, let’s sit here and think about it quietly. My point is, we all deal with grief differently. But as an outsider, looking in to offer condolences, how do you know what the person you are trying to console needs?
The bottom line is, you don’t! You can never truly understand their loss. Even if you had experienced a similar loss, it still is not the same. For you two are not the same person.
A touchy subject, to say the least. However, I do think letting the grieving person know you feel their pain and respect it helps more than you may realize.
We just experienced a loss in our family. My mother-in-law. But more importantly, my husband’s mother. My loss is in no comparison to his. His pain, though, is what I am focusing on. How to help him and how to guide him with what needs to be done. But more importantly, how to bring up fond memories to show she will always be with him.
For memories are our key to dealing with loss. Our memories preserve our fondest times together with our loved ones. They never change or are misplaced. They go with us, wherever we may go.
Many people use a funeral for a way of closure. Unfortunately, in this day and age, funerals are not like they used to be. Families and friends are spread out more, so visiting a gravesite is not as easy. With that in mind, a person may choose to be cremated.
The end is a personal choice, their last wish to be fulfilled and should be respected as such. But what about the ones who find closure in a showing or a funeral? It’s a difficult time with different viewpoints, with all having to be taken into consideration.
This is where you need to be aware of other’s needs and desires. I have to say; I am quite proud of how my husband’s family has dealt with their loss. While respecting the last wish, they then took upon their selves to proceed with what would help them with their closure.
Emotions run high during such a difficult time. Faulting the ones dealing with their own loss over a last wish that was not their own is not something that needs to be added. Guilt over not doing more is already there, regardless if it is before or after.
Although there may not be a viewing or even a memorial service, due to their last wish, does not mean you cannot choose different ways for your own memorial service. Different items, for your own keepsakes.
One side of the family may grieve with a solemn, thoughtful service. While the other side may have a gathering of food and memories. There is no wrong way. The deceased would have loved either way. For they loved you for being different from others and would want you to find the closure you need.
My point is, nothing should stop you from grieving. Not final wishes, not money, not time, not distance. You have the ability to do it in your terms. Which, when you think about it, is as it should be.
Now that we have addressed the final wish, what to do with the remaining belongings? Again, I have to say my husband’s family handled this perfectly. Brother and sister first up. Deciding what was important to them to keep. Keeping items that were special to them that reminded them of their loss.
Items that may not have hold any importance or worth to someone else but are priceless to them. This is what a family is supposed to do. Allow ones, while grieving in their own way, have some sort of memento that gives them a happy memory in a difficult time.
Then any heirlooms, or photos that may have been in the family, going to the deceased’s own siblings if wanted. Next up grandchildren, then other relatives and then friends. Sounds overly simplified, but in reality, it shouldn’t have to be hard.
What is hard is going through the items themselves. Even as an outsider helping, you realize you’re not only packing up someone else’s memories but their life. A used bar of soap, or toothpaste… honestly, was heartbreaking for me!
Realizing those were hard for me made me realize how much harder it was for the family packing up items they had bought for holidays, pictures taken or things made as a child. Let alone the everyday items, such as clothes neatly folded in a laundry basket, all heartbreaking and overwhelming. But memories none the same. A bittersweet reminder of our loss.
There is no room for family drama but a time for healing, understanding and respect for one’s dealing with the loss, too. However, the loss of a parent, no matter who you are, is a scar that runs deep. A scar that no one knows the depth but that person.
Sure, there will be friends and even other family that may be just as close or closer to your heart. Time and distance can weaken a link, but a parent in the end was still your starting point. Your own mortality comes forward after a death of a parent, as well as your own relationship with your children.
It is a somber time. A time for reflection. A time of joyous memories. A time to cry. The thing you must remember, all of those are tied with a thread. Time. In time, it will get better. In time, the tears will not come so often. In time, memories will bring smiles back. Just give yourself time, to grieve.
Rest in peace, Julie Vreeland. Through our precious memories of you, we will eventually find peace, too.
Or, perhaps, let’s sit here and think about it quietly. My point is, we all deal with grief differently. But as an outsider, looking in to offer condolences, how do you know what the person you are trying to console needs?
The bottom line is, you don’t! You can never truly understand their loss. Even if you had experienced a similar loss, it still is not the same. For you two are not the same person.
A touchy subject, to say the least. However, I do think letting the grieving person know you feel their pain and respect it helps more than you may realize.
We just experienced a loss in our family. My mother-in-law. But more importantly, my husband’s mother. My loss is in no comparison to his. His pain, though, is what I am focusing on. How to help him and how to guide him with what needs to be done. But more importantly, how to bring up fond memories to show she will always be with him.
For memories are our key to dealing with loss. Our memories preserve our fondest times together with our loved ones. They never change or are misplaced. They go with us, wherever we may go.
Many people use a funeral for a way of closure. Unfortunately, in this day and age, funerals are not like they used to be. Families and friends are spread out more, so visiting a gravesite is not as easy. With that in mind, a person may choose to be cremated.
The end is a personal choice, their last wish to be fulfilled and should be respected as such. But what about the ones who find closure in a showing or a funeral? It’s a difficult time with different viewpoints, with all having to be taken into consideration.
This is where you need to be aware of other’s needs and desires. I have to say; I am quite proud of how my husband’s family has dealt with their loss. While respecting the last wish, they then took upon their selves to proceed with what would help them with their closure.
Emotions run high during such a difficult time. Faulting the ones dealing with their own loss over a last wish that was not their own is not something that needs to be added. Guilt over not doing more is already there, regardless if it is before or after.
Although there may not be a viewing or even a memorial service, due to their last wish, does not mean you cannot choose different ways for your own memorial service. Different items, for your own keepsakes.
One side of the family may grieve with a solemn, thoughtful service. While the other side may have a gathering of food and memories. There is no wrong way. The deceased would have loved either way. For they loved you for being different from others and would want you to find the closure you need.
My point is, nothing should stop you from grieving. Not final wishes, not money, not time, not distance. You have the ability to do it in your terms. Which, when you think about it, is as it should be.
Now that we have addressed the final wish, what to do with the remaining belongings? Again, I have to say my husband’s family handled this perfectly. Brother and sister first up. Deciding what was important to them to keep. Keeping items that were special to them that reminded them of their loss.
Items that may not have hold any importance or worth to someone else but are priceless to them. This is what a family is supposed to do. Allow ones, while grieving in their own way, have some sort of memento that gives them a happy memory in a difficult time.
Then any heirlooms, or photos that may have been in the family, going to the deceased’s own siblings if wanted. Next up grandchildren, then other relatives and then friends. Sounds overly simplified, but in reality, it shouldn’t have to be hard.
What is hard is going through the items themselves. Even as an outsider helping, you realize you’re not only packing up someone else’s memories but their life. A used bar of soap, or toothpaste… honestly, was heartbreaking for me!
Realizing those were hard for me made me realize how much harder it was for the family packing up items they had bought for holidays, pictures taken or things made as a child. Let alone the everyday items, such as clothes neatly folded in a laundry basket, all heartbreaking and overwhelming. But memories none the same. A bittersweet reminder of our loss.
There is no room for family drama but a time for healing, understanding and respect for one’s dealing with the loss, too. However, the loss of a parent, no matter who you are, is a scar that runs deep. A scar that no one knows the depth but that person.
Sure, there will be friends and even other family that may be just as close or closer to your heart. Time and distance can weaken a link, but a parent in the end was still your starting point. Your own mortality comes forward after a death of a parent, as well as your own relationship with your children.
It is a somber time. A time for reflection. A time of joyous memories. A time to cry. The thing you must remember, all of those are tied with a thread. Time. In time, it will get better. In time, the tears will not come so often. In time, memories will bring smiles back. Just give yourself time, to grieve.
Rest in peace, Julie Vreeland. Through our precious memories of you, we will eventually find peace, too.
